Loss of a Friend... (Suicide Story)

In January of 1998 my boss committed suicide.  He was a special person in my life whom I had worked with for over 5 years and had taught me what confidence and hard work could create in your life. This was one of my first jobs I truly cared about and having someone show me the ropes in the working world created a wonderful friendship.  In our working world the team he helped create was more like a family.  I relied on the conversations we had as co-workers and friends, and at the time was pregnant with my one and only daughter and he was so excited to eventually meet her.  The day he passed seemed like a normal day, we had just come back from the holidays and everyone had lots of vacation stories to tell and we had planned a team meeting to catch up and it was strange that he didn't show up, he had never missed a day of work.  The day went on and we didn't hear a thing and couldn't reach him.  We finally reached his wife and she said he had been in a car accident and was slightly hurt but she would have him reach out soon. The next day is when a co-worker took her call and was told he had committed suicide.  I would say this was and still is one of the most shocking and heart breaking times of my life.  I did not process this for a long time. It felt like years and still to this day it doesn't seem real.  At the time many of us that worked with him didn't talk about what happened.  We tried to move forward but personally I was stuck in all of the feelings of why and what could I have done?  It just seemed unreal he had so much to live for, his wife, young son, us (his friends) but this wasn't enough. He chose to exit this world in a way that would forever leave a hole in many of our hearts.  I wonder why he didn't ask for help?  

I have gone to counseling myself to overcome this sadness.  I had my daughter a few months after and grieved further that he would never meet her.  I still think about his son being in his 20's now and how he may be living his life, without his father. 

I do know this, people's choices can impact you for a lifetime.  It took me years to get over my anger towards his choice.  I have softened over the years and when I think about it I feel compassion for him and what he must have been feeling and going through and thinking he was alone.

I hope in sharing this story it will connect with someone out in the world that has experienced this or to someone who is struggling to know we all deserve to ask for help and know that being vulnerable and open to hope we can help create a ripple effect.

Missing my friend. To find support; dial 988 for Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Written by: Teresa Valley